Regrets, I have a few......
Once upon a time I was fairly employable - I was youngish with a good degree (ok in Sociology and Psychology, so not that useful), I had trained and worked as a nurse and worked briefly as a librarian (so I can turn my hand to a few things) and I was optimistic and self-confident.

Ten years later and oh dear, how things have changed. I am now in my early 40's, so not so young anymore (not so old either, but...), I haven't worked for nearly a decade, the masters degree that I started never got finished through circumstances beyond my control, I have no skills that are relevant or updated and I feel depressed and anxious and my confidence is at an all time low.

The christmas festivities gave me something to do and think about - but now its all resolutions and changes and I feel threatened by the future and regretful about past decisions. Ten years ago I opted to give up work and follow my husband and his new job, it was challenging - we had 2 small children at the time and by nature I am somewhat shy but I settled in and made a small group of good new friends. Then he got a new job overseas and despite my real doubts and despite the fact that I had begun a degree course and was considering my future, I followed him again. I love him, there was no real option. I left my fledgling social life and my new friends and I left my academic future and went to the middle east.

For 7 years we lived in the UAE - I was terribly homesick and lonely for much of that time. I had a few friends but no confidantes and became very reliant on my husband for my social life. I did not work - in the UAE very few expat wifes did at the time and I did not want to work in a shop or a call centre which were the options available. Perhaps this was a mistake - maybe I would have settled in more if I had felt that I had a financial stake. Who knows - this is just another crossroads at which I could have been positive and instead opted for an easy ride. We came back to the UK. I was happy to be back but it was a stressful time and I felt depressed and anxious - I retreated into the home and myself. I have sought help with my anxiety but the options are tranquillizers or a 2 year waiting list for therapy. I have buried myself ever deeper in the home and domesticity. Last year I tried to return to nursing but was defeated to a large extent by my inability to cope with the stress that being back in the big wide world engendered. It is now a year and a half since we returned to the UK - we have a big mortgage and it had been put to me that I have to contribute to it - I have to get a job.

I don't want to be a drone - I want to do something useful and productive with my life. In the UAE it was still possible to feel valued as a stay at home mother - here that is not the case. To be a valid person you need to earn a wage.

I am lonely too - the bloggers world is important to me as a way to speak to people - in daily life I speak to a handful of people and I am guarded and less than frank with everyone, even my husband. It is possible in this blog to be completely honest without the dropped gaze and the palpable atmosphere of discomfort that even the most limited discussion of how I feel brings.

I speak to old friends and I wonder what it would be like if we had never made that first move - I imagine that I would be a single parent - my husband and I were not happy and that first move helped to take us away from the mess that we were in. The second move is more difficult. I lost a lot more than I gained in retrospect - friends, a place I enjoyed living in, status, a sense of a future ( through the course I was taking) and my happiness. I don't know how much of my depression and anxiety is down to that move. I was always of a melancholic disposition and shy, but I was able to function and somedays now I doubt my sanity.

to be continued.......