Apparently I am not readily employable as I am ancient and out of practice (i.e. I am 43 and haven't worked for about 10 years).What's a girl to do? I could go work at Asda or similar or perhaps school dinnerladying but that would be fine for about 2 or 3 years (without the danger of madness intervening), but I've got 25 years potentially until I retire (though it seems a bit daft to talk of retiring when I am not actually working). Clearly what I'd really like to do is write for a living, but the chances of securing a nice little column in a newspaper (say) are slim to non-existant without having a. a contact b. or a member of your family in the business (step forward the Coren's) c. a pretty face d. having worked in the business for decades. If you are the editor of the Guardian and you are reading this - gissa job - honest, I can do that!
I can't help thinking that somewhere along the line I made some major screw up on the decision front.....or possibly more than one.
The nursing for example - (a?) god knows what made me think that this most feminine of team games would be my niche. I am a grumpy, old, solitary, non-girly woman without the slightest capacity for small or indeed medium talk. Recently I have also discovered a depressing tendency towards the squeamish.
The pissing off to foreign climes for a decade has turned out to be a bit of a problem too - I have a yawning gap in my CV, no current referees and no recent job and only a fading suntan and a dislike of sand to show for it.
The anxiety and depression don't help much either - I feel guilty for being a dead weight financially, nervous about what the future holds and depressed because my self worth takes a battering every time I apply for a job and don't even get a smell of hint of an interview ( I suspect that, even if the job was being me they would still look for better candidates!). I am thinking of claiming invalidity benefit as I am clearly an in-valid person.
If anybody reads this and has the slightest idea how to extract myself from the buggery bollocks of a mess I find myself in - please feel free to offer any advice.
Went to the beach at the weekend to see Antony Gormleys installation "Another Place" - which, due to the pleasant sunny weather and the crowds of people out in it, was a jolly experience. But I wonder how it would look on a bleaker greyer day without the crowds. The figures are melancholy and seem almost to be waiting for something or someone to come along, there is a sense of strain in their posture. I think I will re-visit the beach midweek to have another look at Another Place.
We have a drought apparently - it's always going to be difficult to tell in this neck of the woods as it's a rather damp place - misty, moist underfoot on the moors, and prone to fog. But despite the mud that now constitutes our back garden and the general stickiness of the public footpaths and fields, there is indeed a definite lack of precipation in the air: frigid temperatures but no snow and not even a suggestion of it. I think it last rained about 2 weeks ago. There is none of the signs of drought that you see in summer - no cracked and broken earth, no seering temperatures, no browning of the grass - so the rainlessness has happened almost imperceptibly.
