i called this page 'blackdogs' as, when I first started writing it, I was in the grips of depression. I think that Winston Churchill used the phrase, I don't know whether he invented it. It appealed to me as these particular mood gremlins are certainly black and they dog your life. Ok maybe it was a bit less literal than that!
Any hoo - moods come and go, I have been able to drag myself out of the doldrums and get on with things but at the moment it is an effort to do pretty much everything and anything. I get up and walk the dog (white and moulting again the little devil) and clean the house and cook the dinner and do my homework and all the time i just want to lie down in a darkened room and leave it all behind.
As I drive to the supermarket I play out suicide scenarios in my head (crash into the barrier? Take all the syndol in the packet?) Thankfully this usually persuades me that there is still a reason to battle - I would miss my children and I believe they would miss me too. A more attractive option is simply to leave. Clear the bank balance and take the car and drive until I found somewhere to stay - a room a kettle and nobody to look after, no obligations, no guilt for not being something or someone that I should be.
My favourite part of the day is bedtime - to sleep - unhappily for my husband. I welcome those pillows and that duvet like a lover, no need for sex, my ecstacy comes from lying snug and buried away from the world for another 8 hours.
I think one of my many problems is a feeling of powerlessness - i have taken the tablets and talked the talk and I am still depressed. I take a little comfort from the fact that I have been like this before and got better and felt happier but here and now its bloody hard.